OK, Now I have a new "favorite" Blonde Joke.
Subject: The Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would! not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis.Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform! you that that answer is.. absolutely correct. You are now a milli onaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests They live in clocks."
Friday, October 29, 2004
ONCE UPON A TIME...
OR AN EXERCISE OF STUPIDITY:
There was me, my brother, and a person who has requested that his name not be used, wink wink. I won't say how but on a beautiful summer afternoon, He showed up at my door after climbing trees all day, with a credit card. At first I tried to talk him out of using it, but between he and my bro, temptation got the better of me and I threw in with these fools once again. After putting our heads together we decided to run a test and sent my brother to the store with card in hand, he chickened out and came back empty handed. Well he explained he had never done anything like this before and got nervous, with a little coaxing from he and I, we convinced him to go back. This time he went to a different store and with a little flirting with the little blond clerk, he returned with two handles of tequila and three cartons of cigarettes, which we proceeded to consume.
Now one handle is 1.75 liters of alcohol, so with two it wasn't long before there were three very shitfaced idiots. By this time it was time for dinner and we lit out for the Brewery for pizza and several pitchers of Bad Ass Ale I came up with a brilliant idea.
I had not lived in Tahoe for too long back then and was right next to the stateline Nevada, Nevada has legalized prostitution, we had a apparently limitless card, we called the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, and they sent a car from Carson to pick us up. In the mean time I had noticed that our friend was very smelly, dirty, and covered in sawdust. I told him to go jump in the shower, and was told they are just hookers so don't worry. I replied that I was told once to "Treat a whore like a Lady, and treat a Lady like a whore" if you expect any action.
Well the guy rolled up and off we went.
We arrived at the Bunny Ranch (which is world famous for the talent within) at about 1am and went inside, I picked the tallest redhead in the joint and went back to her room to take care of what needed to be taken care of if you know what I mean...when my hour was up I went out to the bar (in Nevada you can drink at 5am if you want) and there he was sitting at the bar by himself. As I saddled up next to him I overheard this absolutely stunning blonde walk up and say "You are a very handsome man! But you smell, and you are filthy, and you are full of sawdust. And none of the girls want anything to do with you". Well a few minutes later my younger brother strolls back into the bar with a definite smile of satisfaction on his face, and after one more round (one of us was cut off at this point, can you guess who?) and off we were, chauffeured home, as the sun peeped over the mountains, waking up the Carson Valley.
Once again I swear this is all true. And he is the only man I have ever heard of that went to a whore house, and didn't get laid.
P.S. And we never got caught!
There was me, my brother, and a person who has requested that his name not be used, wink wink. I won't say how but on a beautiful summer afternoon, He showed up at my door after climbing trees all day, with a credit card. At first I tried to talk him out of using it, but between he and my bro, temptation got the better of me and I threw in with these fools once again. After putting our heads together we decided to run a test and sent my brother to the store with card in hand, he chickened out and came back empty handed. Well he explained he had never done anything like this before and got nervous, with a little coaxing from he and I, we convinced him to go back. This time he went to a different store and with a little flirting with the little blond clerk, he returned with two handles of tequila and three cartons of cigarettes, which we proceeded to consume.
Now one handle is 1.75 liters of alcohol, so with two it wasn't long before there were three very shitfaced idiots. By this time it was time for dinner and we lit out for the Brewery for pizza and several pitchers of Bad Ass Ale I came up with a brilliant idea.
I had not lived in Tahoe for too long back then and was right next to the stateline Nevada, Nevada has legalized prostitution, we had a apparently limitless card, we called the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, and they sent a car from Carson to pick us up. In the mean time I had noticed that our friend was very smelly, dirty, and covered in sawdust. I told him to go jump in the shower, and was told they are just hookers so don't worry. I replied that I was told once to "Treat a whore like a Lady, and treat a Lady like a whore" if you expect any action.
Well the guy rolled up and off we went.
We arrived at the Bunny Ranch (which is world famous for the talent within) at about 1am and went inside, I picked the tallest redhead in the joint and went back to her room to take care of what needed to be taken care of if you know what I mean...when my hour was up I went out to the bar (in Nevada you can drink at 5am if you want) and there he was sitting at the bar by himself. As I saddled up next to him I overheard this absolutely stunning blonde walk up and say "You are a very handsome man! But you smell, and you are filthy, and you are full of sawdust. And none of the girls want anything to do with you". Well a few minutes later my younger brother strolls back into the bar with a definite smile of satisfaction on his face, and after one more round (one of us was cut off at this point, can you guess who?) and off we were, chauffeured home, as the sun peeped over the mountains, waking up the Carson Valley.
Once again I swear this is all true. And he is the only man I have ever heard of that went to a whore house, and didn't get laid.
P.S. And we never got caught!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
The Naked Tree Chopper!
The following is a true occurance and has not been embellished in any way!
Well I have told this story many times but never thought I would put it down in print: what follows happened almost three years ago, and is as funny now as it was then.
My best friend Jim Ryan was working as a fire fighter with forestry service at the time and had just met the future mother of his son. We had spent several hours at Kiva beach and had consumed mass quantities of beer(we could both put it away back in those days) and on arriving back at his house a arguement ensued between Ryan an TyVera, he came storming out to the truck and asked to get some more beer (like we needed it) and we proceeded to the liquor store, well Ty followed us and while Ryan was in the store she stole his fire boots out of the warthog. Upon discovering this Mr. Ryan goes into a rage( to fight fires requires a pair of good boots and a pager to be on call ) and goes back in and gets a quart of Jack Daniels ( former beverage of choice ) and we go up to Twin Peaks 4x4 trail and drove up to what is referred to as the Stair Steps, I didn't have a spare at the time and stopped there at the bottom. We started in on the wisky and were sitting on a big log. Jim gets my axe from the hog and walks over to a fairly large pine and starts chopping on it, trying to discourage this I say "you would look pretty stupid if Forestry rolled up and you were choppin a tree in your Crew 19 t shirt" and I briefly looked away and as I glanced back he had stripped of all his clothes and continued chopping in his Yankees cap as if nothing changed. Oh my god! I fell to the ground laughing, I have never laughed so hard for so long in my life! Absoultely the funniest thing I have ever witnessed bar none! I sat and watched and laughed until my sides hurt and I couldnt breathe.
After recuperating and realizing I had no idea where this tree was going to fall (or when) decided to move the hog out of the truck crushing zone, and pulled down the trail a few hundred yards. At around nightfall I noticed three sets of headlights coming up the road.
I guess Jim noticed them too because I turned around and he was gone, like a naked bigfoot, out in the forest (found out later he was hiding behind some rocks listening to everything). So three countie mounties show up and here I am alone near a severely damaged pine tree. They claim that someone reported a tree being chopped, but Jim still had the axe and his baseball cap. I said I don't know nothin' they said we think you do and tossed the A-10 looking for a chopping implement and upon finding nothing but Ryans clothes and a empty bottle they put their little heads together and decided to write me a FEDERAL ticket for defacing forestry property (which I never received a summons for! Sarge probably threw it out for lack of proof) and told me to get the hell out of there, which I gladly did. I boogied on down that road rapidly. Laughing all the way back to town. I stopped at the first pay phone and called TyVera and she was all like "What am I supposed to do?" and I said I'd go back except if they saw my truck again it would be Greybar Hotel for me..
Well we met up and drove back out there and after hearing the story we were both in tears laughing again. Well we had the dog running point and Bob Marley blasting from her truck hoping he would hear us, we searched about an hour,driving all the roads around there and not finding him went back home. When we pulled up to Ty's there he was still buck-ass, sitting in a lawn chair with a stolen towel in his lap.
I can't tell you his story of making his way back along the back-country forest or the razor wire fence or the creeping along the backstreets of Gardener Mountain wearing nothing but a smile (he lost his beloved Yankee hat somewhere between there and home) except to say he had us back in stiches again for another half an hour.
Well that is the God's honest truth and nothing more!
Well I have told this story many times but never thought I would put it down in print: what follows happened almost three years ago, and is as funny now as it was then.
My best friend Jim Ryan was working as a fire fighter with forestry service at the time and had just met the future mother of his son. We had spent several hours at Kiva beach and had consumed mass quantities of beer(we could both put it away back in those days) and on arriving back at his house a arguement ensued between Ryan an TyVera, he came storming out to the truck and asked to get some more beer (like we needed it) and we proceeded to the liquor store, well Ty followed us and while Ryan was in the store she stole his fire boots out of the warthog. Upon discovering this Mr. Ryan goes into a rage( to fight fires requires a pair of good boots and a pager to be on call ) and goes back in and gets a quart of Jack Daniels ( former beverage of choice ) and we go up to Twin Peaks 4x4 trail and drove up to what is referred to as the Stair Steps, I didn't have a spare at the time and stopped there at the bottom. We started in on the wisky and were sitting on a big log. Jim gets my axe from the hog and walks over to a fairly large pine and starts chopping on it, trying to discourage this I say "you would look pretty stupid if Forestry rolled up and you were choppin a tree in your Crew 19 t shirt" and I briefly looked away and as I glanced back he had stripped of all his clothes and continued chopping in his Yankees cap as if nothing changed. Oh my god! I fell to the ground laughing, I have never laughed so hard for so long in my life! Absoultely the funniest thing I have ever witnessed bar none! I sat and watched and laughed until my sides hurt and I couldnt breathe.
After recuperating and realizing I had no idea where this tree was going to fall (or when) decided to move the hog out of the truck crushing zone, and pulled down the trail a few hundred yards. At around nightfall I noticed three sets of headlights coming up the road.
I guess Jim noticed them too because I turned around and he was gone, like a naked bigfoot, out in the forest (found out later he was hiding behind some rocks listening to everything). So three countie mounties show up and here I am alone near a severely damaged pine tree. They claim that someone reported a tree being chopped, but Jim still had the axe and his baseball cap. I said I don't know nothin' they said we think you do and tossed the A-10 looking for a chopping implement and upon finding nothing but Ryans clothes and a empty bottle they put their little heads together and decided to write me a FEDERAL ticket for defacing forestry property (which I never received a summons for! Sarge probably threw it out for lack of proof) and told me to get the hell out of there, which I gladly did. I boogied on down that road rapidly. Laughing all the way back to town. I stopped at the first pay phone and called TyVera and she was all like "What am I supposed to do?" and I said I'd go back except if they saw my truck again it would be Greybar Hotel for me..
Well we met up and drove back out there and after hearing the story we were both in tears laughing again. Well we had the dog running point and Bob Marley blasting from her truck hoping he would hear us, we searched about an hour,driving all the roads around there and not finding him went back home. When we pulled up to Ty's there he was still buck-ass, sitting in a lawn chair with a stolen towel in his lap.
I can't tell you his story of making his way back along the back-country forest or the razor wire fence or the creeping along the backstreets of Gardener Mountain wearing nothing but a smile (he lost his beloved Yankee hat somewhere between there and home) except to say he had us back in stiches again for another half an hour.
Well that is the God's honest truth and nothing more!
Monday, October 18, 2004
Naked man strikes Again!
Well a year went by and...
This is also without embellishment! We have a little ritual Jim & I every so often we get a wild hair and drive to Reno, usually once or twice a year. We generally drink way too much and end up frequenting some of the talent at Reno's finest strip clubs (or titty bars as it is) and either stay in a room in town or as in this case sober up enough to drive home without getting a DUI. Anyway last time we held this little ritual I was almost sober (kinda like almost pregnant I guess) and headed out of town via Virginia street and just as we get onto 395 from Reno to Carson City (state capitol of Nevada ) I am rolling along in the warthog paying attention to driving, mind you that I own a '73 k5 blazer with a removable top, and as it was still summer it was a giant convertible. I look over and Mr. Ryan once again had removed all of his clothing and was touting the experience of a breeze of wind at 65+mph on his nether regions, and once again I was in stitches laughing again, this crazy bastard was naked as the day he was born and no matter what I said he would not put his clothes back on! So as long as I was clothed I really didn't give a damn whether he put is clothes back on or not! Thank God I wasn't pulled over by the NHP.
Well to make a short story shorter, the fool sat in the passenger seat all the way through the capitol without a stitch, and probably would have gone all the way back to the Lake like that, except for the fact as we were rolling down 395 we hadn't encountered any big rigs, that is until we went through Carson and one appeared ahead of us. I then reminded him that most 18 wheelers have radios and would love to report something like that to all who would listen,especially law enforcement! And as quick as he took em off they were back on again! None the wiser except for yours truly, who promised at the time that I would tell every living soul who would listen, and laugh of course! Well that's my story and every word is true, I swear on my mothers crypt! He is the only man I know that has been driven through the state capitol, any capitol anywhere!
This is also without embellishment! We have a little ritual Jim & I every so often we get a wild hair and drive to Reno, usually once or twice a year. We generally drink way too much and end up frequenting some of the talent at Reno's finest strip clubs (or titty bars as it is) and either stay in a room in town or as in this case sober up enough to drive home without getting a DUI. Anyway last time we held this little ritual I was almost sober (kinda like almost pregnant I guess) and headed out of town via Virginia street and just as we get onto 395 from Reno to Carson City (state capitol of Nevada ) I am rolling along in the warthog paying attention to driving, mind you that I own a '73 k5 blazer with a removable top, and as it was still summer it was a giant convertible. I look over and Mr. Ryan once again had removed all of his clothing and was touting the experience of a breeze of wind at 65+mph on his nether regions, and once again I was in stitches laughing again, this crazy bastard was naked as the day he was born and no matter what I said he would not put his clothes back on! So as long as I was clothed I really didn't give a damn whether he put is clothes back on or not! Thank God I wasn't pulled over by the NHP.
Well to make a short story shorter, the fool sat in the passenger seat all the way through the capitol without a stitch, and probably would have gone all the way back to the Lake like that, except for the fact as we were rolling down 395 we hadn't encountered any big rigs, that is until we went through Carson and one appeared ahead of us. I then reminded him that most 18 wheelers have radios and would love to report something like that to all who would listen,especially law enforcement! And as quick as he took em off they were back on again! None the wiser except for yours truly, who promised at the time that I would tell every living soul who would listen, and laugh of course! Well that's my story and every word is true, I swear on my mothers crypt! He is the only man I know that has been driven through the state capitol, any capitol anywhere!
Friday, October 15, 2004
All's well that ends well
ain't it the truth?Well later that day after being so engrossed in what I was doing online I failed to notice the smoke, suddenly it was so thick that you couldn't see a quarter mile! It is from a fire down hiway 50 over Echo summit in Kyburz about 30 miles away as the crow flies. As a resident of Lake Tahoe I am extremely aware of the danger here in the forest surrounding our beautiful lake. There hasn't been a major blaze here for many many years, and old timers say we are overdue for a big one. The forest service is doing a fair job of thinning but thanks to King George budgets have been gouged. I guess all we can do is have faith in the creator of this splendor I suppose.
Well I am climbing down off the soap box for the evening...PEACE!
Well I am climbing down off the soap box for the evening...PEACE!
So Far, So Good, So what!
After a unusually restful slumber I got up, dressed, chatted with my new friend Rita, and then went to Rude Brother's for the usual, a breakfast burrito and 2 large coffees. While I was sitting outside listening to some Coltrane my buddy Geoff came up and said he ran out of gas. As the gas gauge in my warthog is broken I know what it is like, so I ran him to a gas station and then back to his van. That was my good deed for today.
My friend Laura and her husband just left, I lost touch with her about 2 years ago and we just recently caught up again, her hubby has had 2 brain surgerys for anurisims and is now mentally about 13, she is going nuts taking care of him as she has to mind him like a child. She was basically begging me to come over so she can talk with an adult (her words), I met her through he ex while I was visiting the Greybar Hotel, she was my first real friend up here and I will do anything I can to help her. I could see the pain and stress in her face and especially her eyes, they used to be so bright!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Another Day in Paradise
It is the end of the day and all is well in my world, after coffee at Rude Brothers, I cruised back home and was pleasantly surprised to find a IM from someone I had sent a note to in the personals. After chatting online a bit, we actually had a conversation on the phone! Certainly sounds promising, hope so, I am tired of being alone all the time! After lighting a fire and watching The Day After Tomorrow, I got another bite from the personals. So all in all it has been a good day!!
FIRSTLY
ok this my first post. my first attempt at putting down my thoughts to share with other people. my life is pretty boring so i'm not sure how this is going to go....
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